One thing I appreciate is refinement. I am adament about good table manners and conduct myself as a lady (well most times). Poise, grace, confidence, grooming and social skills are very desirable traits and I hope I possess them to one degree or another. However, within the Yin and Yang of our lives, dualities exist. Can't be Emily Post all the time. Can't be a mystical sage all the time. And forget about Martha Stewart. So as my dear friend Wendy says so succinctly - "I'm all about love and light but don't fuck with me." The following are the confessions of a few Charm School Dropouts, lovingly set out before you like a Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet sans King Crab leg table.
Poise - a dignified, self-confident manner or bearing; composure; self-possessionOne time my mother and I were parking near NYU Medical Center - we were going to visit my grandmother who was ill. As I pulled into the space, a car sped backwards down the street. A man opened his window and started screaming at me, "That was my space. I was waiting here for 10 minutes." "Well you were all the way up the street and I was right here. Sorry." "You're going upstairs? When you come out, all of your tires will be slashed." So I took out my cell phone and said to him, "My sister is a city cop not far from here. I will call her now and give her your license plate number." "Well I'm an attorney", he replied. "Oh, so you're a bottom feeder then? Figures." "But I'm a prosecutor not a defense attorney!", he rebutted incredulously. And with his feeble attempt at redemption he drove away. My tires were fully intact when we came back to the car.
First ImpressionsBack in the day, and I mean back in the day, circa 1981 I was set up on a blind date by a trusted coworker. He assured me that his friend was good looking, smart, fun and a successful business owner. I accepted and a week later Ronnie came to my house, picked me up and we went to dinner. The more we ate, the more he drank. Finally he admitted that he was engaged. I asked him to take me home after dinner and he reluctantly agreed. He kept drinking and then hit me with a request that has never been repeated in my entire life. How can I put this delicately? Hmmm - he asked me to come back to his house and have relations with his German Shepherd. My WTF? could have been heard in California. Ronnie looked at me with contempt and said, "Well you never know if you'll like it until you try it." To which I replied, "I don't have to eat shit to know it tastes bad." He left me at the restaurant and I took a cab home. Wonder if he, his fiancee and Rover lived happily ever after.
PostureI will not reveal the place of work or this particular friend/coworker's name here. But Dark Chocolate - if you're reading this I know you have a smile on your face! I had my own office at a previous job - complete with closing door and lock. My friend/coworker is a stunning, tall, statuesque, gorgeous dark skinned woman from an African nation. We were friendly to one and all at the job and she was known as "The Mayor". I had a brief relationship with a contractor that I met at that job. He would come down to our offices at lunch time - chat, laugh and hang out with us. One day my friend had on a very short skirt. Being the flirt that she is she came into my office, saw my beau and became quite suggestive with him. He began smiling, started turning a bit red and I observed a noticeable rise. Upon my approval, she shut the door and I put on the best strip club song of all time - "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. You know the song that has the line, "I wanna fuck you like an animal." I put it on and as the thud of the synthesized drums began, she gave him a lap dance. She was awesome and I learned some great moves that day. He was quite aroused and when it was time for him to leave he commented that he'd never worked at such a friendly job site before. Her posture was impeccible and I daresay she could have balanced a cup of water on her head while grinding into the contractor's lap.
Confidence - belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assuranceAn attribute that one might develop in Charm School is confidence. May I suggest the following well researched retorts to the dickheads, cavemen and primates that elicit a big, fat "Oh no you di-in't". Ladies, exude confidence while you reply with enough venom to make even the biggest nuts shrivel.
Man: You must be from Jamaica, cause Ja-makin' me horny.
You: You must be from the Yukon, cause Yu-kon go screw yourself.
Man: Hey - let's play carpenter. We'll get hammered and I can nail you!
You: Sorry pal, you don't have enough wood.
Man: Hey Baby - you're butt's so nice. Too bad you have to sit on it.
You: Well not everyone can wear their's on their shoulders.
Charm School where you learn to eat salad with the correct fork. Where one learns to be a gracious hostess. Where ladies are taught how to sit properly. I conduct myself with decorum, can navigate amongst high brow types and never talk with my mouth full. My role models are quite different than the afternoon tea ladies that always look like they are smelling something bad. My role models are more the Little Johnny types - whether they are men or women. Little Johnny asked his teacher one day, "Hey Miss Jones, can I go pee?" Miss Jones replied, "The proper word is urinate Johnny. And if you can use it properly in a sentence I will excuse you." Johnny thought for a moment and happily replied, "Miss Jones, ur-in-ate but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten."
Apparently Ms. Nadya Suleman didn’t get the memo – More Is NOT Better. With the numerous urgent issues facing our country and our world… the desperate economic crisis, world hunger, political and spiritual unrest, overpopulation, global warming to name a few – WHAT THE FUCK is up with this overindulgent bitch Nadya Suleman, proud mother of 14? How dare this woman bring so many children into this world?
